My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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