I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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