id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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