i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
