oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
