I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
bring money and cleavage
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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