I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Boobs are out for the taking
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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