i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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