my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
