i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
