my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
