i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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