so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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