Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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