I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
