I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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