Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
