Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
