He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
