need another drink. this is the easiest way
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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