the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
this is an emotional support booty call
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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