so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
