you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
