I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
