my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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