you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
