I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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