I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize