Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
