Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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