All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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