remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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