in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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