I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I met the friendliest cop last night
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
