I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
