I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
