Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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