Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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