My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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