Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
