jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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