I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
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