Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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