Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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