Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
