totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
