If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
