Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
