I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
