Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
