it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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