Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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