when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
