I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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