If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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