This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
