Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
