im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
