I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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