I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize