Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
