You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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