I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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