I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
